so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
