At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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