So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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