The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
