miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Woke up backwards on a recliner
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