I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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