I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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