My cat gives me a boner
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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