You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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