He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize