Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She told me I should be a condom model.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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