Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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