mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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