dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
