i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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