i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize