you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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