If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He felt like a one man threesome
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
