I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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