youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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