She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
