Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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