someone threw a dead crab at me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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