If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize