my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
