Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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