cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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