I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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