Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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