Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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