my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
