I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
