I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize