Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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