Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
