Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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