I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
