the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
