last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
