thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
