This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
