Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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