Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize