I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
