i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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