my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
