omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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