We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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