I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
