New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
