turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
