My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
