Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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