Moan for me like Helen Keller
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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