Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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