some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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