I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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