First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
