God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize