And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize