After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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